January 24, 2020

The Funk

Because I know there are people who are asking, and I'm fucking tired of it.

The short version is that I'm having a hell of a difficult time breaking out of a mental slump.

This is partly because, for the first time in my life, I feel very lonely.  I dealt with the emotional trauma of the divorce, and finally got that put behind me, and wanted to find a lady I care for who also cares for me.  So I started dating again.  A couple dates didn't produce much, then I found someone I really felt connected to, and cared for a good deal.  It was warm, comfortable, trusting.  It was love again, and it felt fucking fantastic.

Then she stopped talking to me.  Entirely.

No reason given, no explanation, no nothing.  Just total silence.  I know she's still alive, and I know she talks to other people, and is living a regular life.  But for whatever reason, she decided to just
completely and suddenly cut me from her existence.  That made me feel... Worthless.  Disposable.  Useless.  Meaningless.  I mean, hell, she'd talk to a homeless stranger more than she's talking to me.  That really cut deep.

So I worked on getting through that.  And, generally speaking, I did.

Then I got stupid again and dated again.  Eventually found another lady that held promise.  We seemed to be getting along well, a couple nice brunch/dinner/cocktail/coffee dates.  A phone call on Christmas, since she was alone (her kids with their dad), and I wanted her to know someone cared about her.  We talked about life, goals, hopes, pains, anything and everything.

Two weeks ago, she ditched me.

Via text message, of all things.

Apparently I'm not worthy of a conversation?  Really?

So, for those keeping score at home, the three women in my life that I've ever cared for have dumped me.  Sure, I could have been a better husband to my ex-wife, so I'll take partial credit for that, but really, am I not worthy of companionship in this life?  It's starting to feel that way, and that is a very lonely feeling.  I've been alone most of my adult life, and it honestly never bothered me until recently, but it's bothering me now.

Naturally, my over-analytical brain is working over time trying to figure out what the hell is so wrong with ME that I can't find ANYONE who wants to develop a relationship with me.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I'm bad at self-analysis, but I can't find anything major: I work hard at an honest job, pay my own way through the world, give to/help others any time I'm able, harbor no animosity, don't break the law, love to care for critters, etc. etc. etc.

Not being able to figure this out has led to a depression.  And that led to me hitting the booze FAR more than I should have.  I'm working on that, and making progress, but for probably 6 months or so, I don't think I've spent a single night without some degree of intoxication, many of them to a significant degree.

So: I'm lonely, I'm depressed, and I'm drinking too much.  The latter compounds the first, which compounds the second, which leads to the latter... it's a nasty fucking circle, and I'm really trying to figure out a way to break the cycle.

I'm not suicidal, so don't go there.  Besides, the cops could now show up and confiscate my guns if someone filed a grievance, and I really don't need to add legal trouble on top of all of this.

So I get up every day, shower and go to work (which is getting very boring and tedious and I don't want to be here anymore, but unless I hit the Powerball...) and just try to get through each day.  Then I sleep (poorly), wake up, and do it all over again.  It's like Groundhog Day.

I'll get through, because I don't have any choice.  I have to get through.  But right now, I'm just struggling to find anything positive.  I know, I know... Mountains, health, dog, blah blah blah.

Those only go so far.

Addendum:  I don't want your pity.  I don't want your sympathy.  I don't want you to call, or text, or email.  I damn sure don't want you to stop by for a surprise visit.  If you do, I'll ask you... once... to leave. 

But I really DO want you to stop asking "What's wrong, JB?  You seem down." 

Well, I am.  Now you know why.  So quit fucking asking.

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